How To Address Parenting Problems And A Stressed Marriage

John and Lisa sat in their living room, the tension between them palpable. The house, usually a place of comfort, had become a battleground, and the source of their strife was their teenage daughter, Emily.

Emily had always been a spirited child, but as she entered her teenage years, her behavior had become increasingly difficult. Every day seemed to bring a new wave of drama—slammed doors, late nights out, and an attitude of utter disrespect. The arguments were endless, and John and Lisa found themselves on opposite sides of the battlefield.

John believed in firm discipline. He was adamant that Emily needed clear rules and consequences, and he wasn’t afraid to enforce them. “She needs to learn responsibility,” he would say, his voice tinged with frustration. “If we don’t set boundaries now, she’ll never understand how the real world works.”

Lisa, on the other hand, couldn’t stand to see Emily upset. She hated the confrontations and often found herself giving in to Emily’s demands, hoping to keep the peace. Deep down, Lisa knew she was being too lenient, but her own insecurities about being a good mother clouded her judgment. She feared that by being too strict, she would push Emily away. “She’s just going through a phase,” Lisa would argue, “We need to show her more love and understanding.”

But their differing approaches only made things worse. Emily quickly learned to exploit the divide between her parents. She would run to Lisa whenever John laid down the law, knowing her mother would intervene on her behalf. This constant undermining left John feeling powerless and resentful, while Lisa felt increasingly guilty and overwhelmed.

The tension between John and Lisa began to spill over into their relationship. They argued about everything—how to handle Emily, how to communicate with each other, even mundane household decisions. The united front they had once promised to maintain as parents was now in tatters, and they could feel their marriage straining under the pressure.

One day, after yet another explosive argument with Emily, they finally agreed that they needed help. A friend recommended a family therapist who specialized in parenting teens, and though both were hesitant, they reluctantly made an appointment.

The first session was eye-opening. The therapist listened to their concerns and offered practical advice on how to establish consistent boundaries and communicate more effectively with each other and with Emily. They were given tools to help them understand their daughter’s behavior and to work together as a team rather than against each other.

John and Lisa left the session with a renewed sense of hope. For the first time in a long time, they felt like they were on the same page. But as the days passed, the old patterns began to reemerge. John found it hard to let go of his strict expectations, while Lisa continued to struggle with her need to keep the peace. They talked about the advice they had received but didn’t fully commit to implementing it.

The conflict between them persisted, and Emily’s behavior only worsened. The drama, the disrespect, the tension—all of it remained. They had sought help, but without action, the cycle continued, leaving their family stuck in the same destructive patterns.

In the end, John and Lisa’s story became a cautionary tale—a reminder that seeking help is only the first step. True change requires commitment, effort, and the courage to face uncomfortable truths. Without these, even the best advice can fall on deaf ears, leaving the challenges unresolved and the family still in turmoil.

The Tension of Parenting: Getting on the Same Page with Your Spouse

Parenting can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life, but it can also be a source of significant stress, especially when parents aren’t on the same page with their parenting plan. The tension that arises from differing approaches to discipline, boundaries, and expectations can not only strain the relationship between parents but also create confusion and insecurity in children. If you and your spouse find yourselves constantly clashing over how to parent your kids, it’s time to take a step back and work together to create a unified approach.

Reflect on Your Family of Origin

The way we parent is often influenced by how we were raised. Taking time to reflect on your family of origin can help you and your spouse understand why you approach parenting the way you do. Ask yourselves: What aspects of your upbringing were successful? What were the challenges or problematic areas? By examining these influences, you can start to identify patterns that may be affecting your current parenting style.

As Dr. John Townsend, a renowned psychologist, and author, puts it, “We tend to recreate our family of origin in our current family unless we actively decide to change the patterns.” Understanding these patterns can help you and your spouse make conscious decisions about how you want to parent, rather than simply repeating what was modeled for you. Schedule a coaching session with Terry to learn how to leverage your past relationship hurt to create a health future moving forward.

Establish Personal Boundaries First

Before you can effectively co-parent, it’s essential to establish personal boundaries. Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our emotional and physical well-being. They help us manage our responses to stress and conflict. When you have clear boundaries, you’re better equipped to handle the challenges of parenting without becoming overwhelmed or reactive.

“To be strong, you must have boundaries. To be compassionate, you must have boundaries. Boundaries aren’t just something you put in place with others—they’re something you establish within yourself first,” says Jordan Peterson, a psychologist and author. When both parents have strong personal boundaries, they can approach parenting decisions with clarity and purpose, rather than letting emotions dictate their actions.

Learn more about how to set and keep boundaries, Terry Porter has a Master’s Degree from Dr. John Townsend and Concordia University.

Connect with Other Parents

Parenting can feel isolating, especially when you’re struggling to get on the same page as your spouse. One way to alleviate this isolation is to connect with other parents who are in a similar stage and share the same goals. Engaging in conversations with other parents can provide valuable insights, support, and new perspectives. You might find that others have faced similar challenges and can offer advice on how they overcame them.

Joining a parenting group or participating in community events can help you build a network of support. This shared experience can reinforce the idea that you’re not alone in your struggles and can motivate you to work together with your spouse to find solutions.

Confront and Address Fears and Feelings of Guilt

Parenting can bring up deep-seated fears and feelings of guilt. Maybe you’re afraid of making the wrong decision, or you feel guilty about not being the “perfect” parent. These emotions can lead to disagreements and tension if they’re not addressed.

It’s crucial to confront these fears and guilt head-on. Talk openly with your spouse about your concerns. Acknowledging these feelings can help you understand each other’s perspectives and create a more empathetic environment. Remember, it’s okay to feel uncertain—what’s important is how you work through those feelings together.

As Jordan Peterson emphasizes, “In order to think, you have to risk being offensive.” In other words, difficult conversations are necessary for growth. Don’t shy away from discussing your fears and insecurities with your spouse. It’s through these honest conversations that you’ll build a stronger, more united parenting approach. Set up a consultation with Terry Porter and start learning how to have difficult conversations with those you love.

Strive to Be on the Same Page

Terry & Jen Porter

Ultimately, the goal is to be on the same page with your spouse when it comes to parenting. This doesn’t mean you’ll always agree on everything, but it does mean you’re committed to working together and presenting a united front to your children. Consistency is key to effective parenting, and when both parents are aligned in their approach, it provides stability and security for the entire family.

Here are a few steps to help you and your spouse get on the same page:

• Regular Check-Ins: Schedule regular times to discuss your parenting strategies and any issues that arise. This helps ensure that you’re both aware of each other’s concerns and can make adjustments as needed.
• Compromise: Be willing to compromise. Recognize that both of your perspectives are valid and find a middle ground that respects each other’s viewpoints.
• Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, it’s challenging to navigate these conversations on your own. Consider seeking the help of a parenting coach or therapist who can guide you through the process. Schedule a consultation with Terry Porter to explore how coaching can help you and your spouse align your parenting strategies.

Parenting is a journey that requires collaboration, patience, and a willingness to grow together as a couple. By reflecting on your family of origin, establishing personal boundaries, connecting with other parents, confronting fears and guilt, and striving to be on the same page, you can reduce the tension in your parenting approach and create a more harmonious family dynamic.

If you’re ready to take the next step in strengthening your parenting partnership, schedule a consultation with Terry Porter. With the right support and guidance, you and your spouse can work together to create a parenting plan that works for your family.

Quote References:

• Townsend, John. Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, How to Say No. Zondervan, 1998.
• Peterson, Jordan. 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. Random House Canada, 2018.