Do you ever leave a conversation with someone, maybe someone you deeply love, yet you walk away feeling judged and misunderstood?
There might be one simple word that is causing that judgment. Dr. Henry Cloud says to stop using “should” to motivate behavior change in others. Here’s more:
SHAME & SHOULD
“People will use ”should” as a strong motivator for you to change. The problem with this is the human response to “should.” When someone tells you that you “should do this or that,” because they think it’s right, you’ll want to naturally rebel. It’s the projection of shame. So, when someone tells you, “You should be good,” you will find a way to be bad. Maybe not immediately, but your mind will be inclined to reject the notion of change.
It’s amazing what happens when someone makes the shift from should, and they’re encouraged in a healthy way.
They see honesty not just as a virtue, but as the only way they’ll have intimacy.
They see confession and ownership of their faults not as something humiliating and guilt-inducing, but as the way to grow and reach goals.
They see listening to feedback and correction, not as someone telling them they are bad, but as receiving a gift that will bring them life.
In other words, when someone isn’t under the shame of “should,” they see it as the way to life.”
Let’s Talk About This
Do you want to change the conversation you are having with others but you don’t know where to start? I can help, I am an Executive & Life Coach. Give me a call or email (231-499-9069 or [email protected]). I look forward to working with you!
Grant May 16, 2019
This is soooo true! Most of us need to stop ‘shoulding’ on ourselves and other people. We can’t control what others do anyway, and if we’re honest… most of us can only control what we do – on a good day! Good tip, Terry.
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