What I’ve Been Learning in a Season of Coaching, Ministry, and Real Life
Terry Porter is an Executive Life Coach. Working with clients to clarify and pursue their life dreams.
It’s been a while since I’ve written here.
The truth is, last fall I had to say no to something, and blogging was what got cut. Life was full. Family, coaching, ministry work, friendships, workouts, mountain biking, and home projects all had a place in my world, and for a season, writing had to step aside. But lately, I’ve had some fresh ideas I’ve wanted to work through, and I’m hoping they may encourage someone else too.
If I had to describe this season in two words, I’d call it balanced and refining.
More and more, I’m learning what I do well. I’m also learning to say no to the parts of ministry, work, and life that do not align with who I am and how God has wired me. That kind of clarity does not usually come all at once. It is formed over time, in real life, through paying attention, making adjustments, and being honest about what matters most.
One lesson has felt especially personal to me lately.
In my Bible reading and devotional time, I was confronted with the fact that I still have a few time-wasters in my life. Around the same time, someone very close to me pointed out a weakness that has been keeping me from being the best dad I can be for my son. That hit me. I was reminded that I only have about three years left with him in the house. And during those years, there will be moments when he will not always want to do things with me. So every moment matters. I’m on the clock, and I do not want to miss the opportunity to build into him while I still can.
That realization has sharpened a few things for me.
Healthy people are built by daily choices
One of the biggest things I keep seeing—in my own life and in the lives of the people I coach—is that growth is usually not dramatic day to day. It is built in small, faithful choices over time.
I have a client I’ve worked with for several years. If you only looked at one day in his life, you might think not much had changed. But if you look at the bigger picture, the growth is obvious. He has made steady, intentional efforts to become healthier physically, mentally, relationally, and spiritually. The gains have been significant, but they came through little daily steps. That reminds me of John 15 and the pruning process. Growth often looks ordinary while it is happening, but over time it becomes unmistakable.
That is true in parenting. It is true in marriage. It is true in leadership. And it is true in our walk with God.
Healthy relationships require hard conversations
Another lesson that has been reinforced again and again is this: healthy relationships are not built by avoiding difficult things. They are built by staying in the conversation.
I’ve been working with a couple for several months whose relationship was incredibly toxic when they first came in. There had not been real communication for decades. They were not really connecting; they were surviving, and even that survival had taken on unhealthy forms. But every two weeks, they come in and do the hard work of having honest conversations. And over time, something beautiful has happened. The hard conversations are still hard, but not in the same way. They are beginning to laugh in the middle of them. They are learning that honesty, while uncomfortable, is not the enemy. In many cases, it is the path back to connection.
I’ve also seen this more clearly through the idea of emotional bids for connection, a concept I picked up from John Gottman. Once I learned it, I started noticing it everywhere. People are constantly reaching for one another in small ways. A comment. A question. A glance. A story. A frustration. Sometimes couples miss those moments entirely. Sometimes they dismiss them. But often, what looks like conflict on the surface is actually a deeper question underneath: Will you respond to me? Will you connect with me?
A lot of couples are not openly hostile. They are simply stagnant. They live together, but they do not really know each other anymore. Work has consumed them. Busyness has numbed them. Shame and guilt have wrapped themselves around the relationship, and fear has made vulnerability feel dangerous. That is why learning to stay in hard conversations matters so much.
Leadership still matters
In leadership coaching, I’ve been reminded again that everything rises and falls on leadership.
Last year, I worked with a very passive leader. Over time, we focused on helping him take more ownership of his company while still giving meaningful responsibility to his team. And that is what began to happen. He started showing up with greater strength and clarity. He delegated better. He led better. His team benefited because he stopped shrinking back from the role he needed to play.
Strong leadership is not about controlling everything. It is about owning what is yours, showing up with courage, and building structures that help others thrive.
Young people need structure they can own
My time in student ministry has reminded me how much young people thrive when they are given healthy structure they actually have input on.
Their lives are often chaotic. Many teenagers do not naturally know how to build a stable rhythm for themselves. But when they are invited into the process, they often respond well. One teen I’m coaching asked her dad to help keep her accountable to a bedtime routine. It was her idea. That is what made the difference. If he had simply imposed it on her, she likely would have resisted. But because she had ownership, she embraced it.
That lesson has broader application than just student ministry. People do better when they can own the structure they are trying to live in.
I’m still learning to love the work God has given me
One of the gifts of this season has been being reminded how much I truly love ministry.
It has been eight years since I retired from Bible Baptist Church. I also had the opportunity to serve on staff at Genesis Church in Muskegon for two years. Now, serving at New Hope and leading the student ministry in this interim season has been a real joy. My time there may be short, but I want it to count. I’m already thinking ahead to summer and working on the fall plan for developing and building the ministry. That excites me.
I’m grateful to still be in work that matters—coaching, ministry, family, and the ordinary discipline of trying to live faithfully.
There is always a next right step
If there is one lesson real life keeps teaching me, it is this:
Life is hard, but there is always a next right step.
There is always one thing I can do next that is positive. One conversation. One adjustment. One act of courage. One area to prune. One relationship to invest in. One decision to make that moves life in a healthier direction.
That perspective has helped steady me.
First Peter 1 (from the Bible) has also been a grounding reminder in this season. Trials are real. Hardship is not strange. Refinement is part of the process. But God is at work in it.
So if life feels heavy right now, or if you feel stuck, behind, discouraged, or out of rhythm, take heart. Your life can get better. But many times, it starts with a new plan—or finally working a plan with patience, accountability, and consistency.
Maybe your next right step is pruning something that has been wasting your time.
Maybe it is staying in a difficult conversation instead of shutting down.
Maybe it is creating a simple structure for your family, your work, or your spiritual life.
Maybe it is reaching out for help.
If you are feeling stuck in your marriage, your leadership, or your personal life, coaching may help you identify the next right step and build a healthier path forward.
I’d be glad to help.
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