Healthy Sexuality: A Biblical Vision for Desire, Safety, and Redemption

Sexual maturity is difficult because we are surrounded by deeply immature views of sexuality.

Pop culture often treats sexuality as entertainment, conquest, identity, consumer appetite, or personal expression without responsibility. At the same time, many people carry wounds from sexual abuse, unwanted sexual experiences, pornography exposure, shame-based teaching, secrecy, or silence. According to the CDC, nearly half of women and more than one in six men in the United States have experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime. More than one in five women have experienced completed or attempted rape.

That means when we talk about sexuality, we are not talking about an abstract topic. We are talking about real people, real stories, real bodies, real shame, real longing, real confusion, and real wounds.

And yet, sexuality is often awkward to talk about. Families may avoid the conversation. Churches may speak only in warnings. Couples may struggle silently. Singles may feel either ignored or shamed. Many Christians have heard what not to do sexually, but far fewer have been taught how to think biblically, wisely, and maturely about sexuality.

That is a problem, because silence does not produce maturity. Silence often leaves people to be discipled by culture, pornography, peers, past trauma, or shame. And none of those make very good pastors.

We All Bring a Sexual Story

To understand our sexuality, we first need to understand that none of us comes to this topic as a blank slate. We all bring a sexual story.

That story is shaped by at least three major influences.

First, we are shaped by our family of origin. What did your family communicate about bodies, affection, modesty, desire, marriage, privacy, gender, or sex? Was sexuality discussed with wisdom and grace, or was it ignored, mocked, feared, or shamed?

Second, we are shaped by culture and religion. Some people were formed by a culture that said, “Do whatever feels good.” Others were formed by a religious environment that said, “Do not talk about it, do not feel it, and certainly do not ask questions.” Both can create distortion. One removes holiness. The other often removes honesty.

Third, we are shaped by past experience. Some experiences were good, safe, and loving. Others were confusing, premature, coercive, abusive, or painful. Trauma can deeply affect how a person experiences trust, closeness, desire, and safety. The National Center for PTSD notes that many survivors of sexual assault experience concerns with sexual functioning, anxiety, shame, avoidance of intimacy, and relationship distress.

So before we ask, “What is wrong with me?” it may be better to ask, “What has shaped me?”

That question opens the door to compassion, honesty, and growth.

Order: God Created Sexuality

The biblical story begins with order.

God created humanity male and female in His image. He created bodies. He created desire. He created covenant. He created marriage. He created sexual union. Before sin entered the world, Genesis describes the man and woman as “naked and not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25).

That phrase is not merely about physical nakedness. It is about wholeness. There was no hiding, no using, no fear, no contempt, no manipulation, no shame. There was full exposure and full safety.

That is God’s original design: sexuality rooted in covenant love, mutual honor, embodied goodness, and unashamed intimacy.

The Bible does not treat the body as bad. It does not treat desire as dirty. It does not treat sexuality as a regrettable necessity. In Scripture, sexuality is powerful because it is deeply personal. It involves the body, but it is never merely bodily. It touches the soul.

Disorder: Sin Confused and Distorted Sexuality

Then comes disorder.

When sin enters the story in Genesis 3, shame enters with it. The man and woman hide. They cover themselves. They blame. They become afraid. What was once marked by trust becomes marked by self-protection.

That is still what sin does. It distorts good things.

Sexuality becomes distorted when it is separated from love, covenant, honor, truth, responsibility, and the image of God in another person. It becomes distorted through lust, abuse, secrecy, pornography, adultery, coercion, shame, objectification, and selfishness.

This is why a biblical view of sexuality must be both morally clear and deeply compassionate. We cannot talk about sexual sin without also talking about sexual suffering. We cannot talk about purity without also talking about healing. We cannot talk about holiness without also talking about safety.

A mature Christian vision of sexuality does not minimize sin, and it does not minimize wounds. It tells the truth about both.

Reorder: God Redeems Our Sexuality

The good news is that God does not abandon sexuality to disorder.

The gospel is not merely about getting our souls to heaven. It is about the redemption of the whole person. Jesus redeems our minds, hearts, bodies, desires, relationships, and stories.

Paul writes, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you?” (1 Corinthians 6:19). That verse is often used as a warning, and rightly so, but it is also an invitation. Your body belongs to God. Your story belongs to God. Your sexuality belongs to God. And what belongs to God can be healed, reordered, and made holy.

Redemption means we can begin to think differently. We can move from shame to honor. From secrecy to truth. From compulsion to self-control. From performance to love. From fear to safety. From using others to blessing others.

That does not usually happen overnight. Reorder is a process. But it is possible.

Healthy Biblical Sexuality Is Not Simplistic

Many Christians were taught to think about sexuality only in black-and-white categories: right or wrong, pure or impure, allowed or forbidden.

To be clear, the Bible does give moral boundaries. Scripture is not vague about sexual holiness. Passages like Genesis 2, Matthew 5, 1 Corinthians 6–7, 1 Thessalonians 4, Ephesians 5, Hebrews 13, and Song of Songs all help form a biblical sexual ethic.

But biblical sexuality is not less than rules; it is more than rules.

The Bible speaks about covenant, desire, fidelity, self-control, love, the body, mutuality, honor, beauty, temptation, sin, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. In other words, Scripture gives us a whole-person vision.

Healthy biblical sexuality is not simply, “Do not cross the line.” It is, “Become the kind of person who can love with holiness, freedom, responsibility, and honor.”

That is a much deeper goal.

Desire, Arousal, and Willingness

A mature conversation about sexuality also needs to distinguish between desire, arousal, and willingness.

Desire is the internal movement of wanting, longing, or being drawn toward sexual connection. Desire can be spontaneous, but it can also be responsive. In other words, some people do not feel desire first; desire grows after emotional connection, affection, safety, and closeness begin. Rosemary Basson’s research on sexual response helped clarify that desire does not always follow a simple linear pattern, especially in long-term relationships.

Arousal is the body’s physiological response. Arousal is not the same as desire, love, consent, or spiritual unity. The body can respond for many reasons, and that response does not automatically mean a person feels emotionally safe or spiritually connected.

Willingness is the freely chosen openness to engage. Willingness matters because biblical sexuality is never coercive. It is not pressured, demanded, manipulated, guilted, or taken. Healthy sexual intimacy requires freedom. RAINN describes healthy consent as clear, positive, active, and ongoing—not merely the absence of “no.”

For married couples, this means sexual intimacy should never become a place of entitlement, pressure, punishment, or withdrawal. It should become a place where love, freedom, and responsibility meet.

A husband and wife are not called to use each other. They are called to honor each other.

Emotional Safety and Spiritual Safety

Healthy sexuality requires emotional safety.

Emotional safety means a person can be honest without being mocked, punished, dismissed, or pressured. It means a husband and wife can talk about desire, fear, pain, past experiences, preferences, disappointment, and hope without the conversation turning into accusation or shame.

The Gottman Institute emphasizes that emotional safety is necessary for vulnerability and deep connection in loving relationships.

In marriage, emotional safety may sound like:

“I want to understand what feels safe for you.”
“We do not have to rush this conversation.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I will not use your vulnerability against you.”
“Your body and your story matter to me.”
“We are on the same team.”

Spiritual safety is just as important.

Spiritual safety means Scripture is not used as a weapon. Prayer is not used to pressure. Forgiveness is not used to bypass healing. Submission is not distorted into control. Repentance is not demanded from the wounded while the harmful person avoids responsibility.

Spiritual safety means God is brought into the conversation as He truly is: holy, truthful, compassionate, patient, and redemptive.

A spiritually safe marriage is one where both people are seeking God, telling the truth, honoring conscience, practicing repentance, and protecting one another’s dignity.

The Goal of Biblical Sexuality

The ultimate goal of biblical sexuality is not merely rule-keeping. It is not performance. It is not personal gratification. It is not even just sexual fulfillment.

The ultimate goal is holy, whole-person love.

In marriage, sexuality is meant to be a covenantal expression of love, safety, delight, surrender, faithfulness, and mutual honor. It is a physical act with emotional and spiritual meaning.

For single Christians, biblical sexuality is still deeply meaningful. It is expressed through chastity, honor, self-control, healing, wise boundaries, embodied dignity, and love for God and neighbor.

For those with sexual wounds, biblical sexuality includes the hope of healing. For those with sexual sin, it includes repentance and grace. For those with confusion, it includes wisdom. For those with shame, it includes the voice of God saying, “You are not beyond redemption.”

Healthy sexuality begins with this truth: God created sexuality, sin distorted sexuality, and Christ redeems sexuality.

That is the movement from order, to disorder, to reorder.

And that is why Christians must learn to talk about sexuality with both conviction and compassion. We need truth without shame. Grace without compromise. Honesty without fear. Boundaries without contempt. Desire without selfishness. Love without coercion.

Because biblical sexuality is not merely about what we avoid.

It is about who we are becoming.

References and Sources

Biblical passages to study: Genesis 1–3; Song of Songs; Matthew 5:27–30; 1 Corinthians 6–7; Ephesians 5:21–33; 1 Thessalonians 4:3–8; Hebrews 13:4; Romans 12:1–2.

Research and support sources: CDC sexual violence statistics; National Sexual Violence Resource Center; RAINN consent and survivor resources; Rosemary Basson’s work on sexual desire and arousal; National Center for PTSD resources on sexual trauma and intimacy; Gottman Institute resources on emotional safety and connection.

About Terry Porter

Terry Porter  at a local veterans’ event.

Terry Porter is a Life and Leadership Coach with a Master’s degree in Coaching and a certification in Treating Sexual Addiction. He brings more than 25 years of pastoral ministry experience to his work with individuals, couples, families, and leaders.

Terry helps people pursue growth with honesty, grace, and responsibility. His coaching is rooted in biblical wisdom, practical relationship tools, and a deep belief that healing and maturity happen best in the context of truth, safety, and healthy connection.

As a pastor and coach, Terry is passionate about helping people develop healthier relationships, stronger character, clearer identity, and a more redemptive view of their story — including the tender and often confusing areas of sexuality, shame, desire, trust, and intimacy.

Learn more or schedule a free consultation at: terry-porter.com