How I Use Anger In Relationships

“YOU TRAUMATIZED THE KIDS!”

Terry & Jen Porter

I’ll never forget those words from my wife as we were getting ready for church. It launched us into a 3-day war between her and me – a conflict, a battle of wills.  It would take several days for me to get wisdom from a friend who assured me, “Terry, there’s something deeper going on, and you need to figure it out.”

We figured it out and are a better couple because of it.  What about you? What do you do when you and your spouse experience anger in your relationship?  Have you learned to leverage it for healing, or is anger a torpedo in your relationship, lurking under the surface, waiting for a vulnerable time to sink you?

In the realm of emotions, anger often carries a negative connotation. However, when approached with awareness and understanding, anger can be a powerful force for positive relationship change. Renowned psychologist John Gottman, a leading expert in marital stability and relationship dynamics, sheds light on the healthy use of anger to communicate and grow.

Embracing Anger as a Communication Tool:

Gottman emphasizes the significance of expressing anger to foster communication rather than hinder it. He notes, “Anger is a signal, and it’s worth listening to.” Instead of suppressing or avoiding anger, acknowledging and addressing it can pave the way for open dialogue and resolution.

The Law of Exposure, as elucidated in the book “Boundaries,” underscores the importance of sharing our authentic selves, including our raw emotions (anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, etc.), with others. This principle emphasizes that genuine connection and understanding can only thrive in an environment of transparency. By revealing our authentic emotions, we enable others to experience us unfiltered, fostering deeper connections and mutual understanding. As Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, authors of “Boundaries,” assert, “We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.” Sharing the impact of our raw emotions allows for acknowledging both personal and interpersonal consequences, paving the way for growth, empathy, and stronger relationships.

Constructive Conflict Resolution:

According to Gottman’s research, it’s not the presence of conflict that predicts relationship demise but how couples handle it. When channeled constructively, anger can serve as a catalyst for addressing underlying issues. Gottman suggests, “In a good relationship, people get angry, but in a very different way. The Marriage Masters see a problem a bit like a soccer ball — they kick it around.”

Raw emotions, including anger, have the potential to serve as powerful catalysts for positive change within relationships. Jordan Peterson, a renowned psychologist and author, suggests that “you’re going to pay a price for every bloody thing you do and everything you don’t do. You don’t get to choose to not pay a price. You get to choose which poison you’re going to take.” Couples can channel this intense emotion into constructive action by embracing anger as a signal for necessary change. When channeled appropriately, anger can illuminate unmet needs, unresolved issues, or unspoken expectations, motivating individuals to address these concerns head-on. By transforming anger into a force for positive action, couples can navigate challenges, strengthen communication, and ultimately foster a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence:

Healthy anger management involves cultivating emotional intelligence. Understanding one’s own triggers and responses allows individuals to express anger assertively, not aggressively. Gottman encourages couples to “Speak your truth, and at the same time, be open to hearing your partner’s truth.”

Even in the face of anger, maintaining a positive outlook is a pivotal practice for fostering resilience and harmony. John Gottman advocates for a crucial relationship ratio — “The Magic Ratio.” He asserts that there should be at least five positive actions or expressions for every negative interaction or comment. This principle underscores the importance of nurturing a positive emotional environment, even during heated moments. Couples can counteract the impact of anger by consciously infusing positivity into interactions, promoting understanding, empathy, and a shared commitment to growth. In adopting a proactive stance, individuals contribute to creating a relationship where the strength of positive connections prevails over the challenges presented by anger, fostering a more enduring and fulfilling bond.

Building a Bridge, Not a Wall:

Anger, when left unaddressed, can build barriers in a relationship. Gottman’s research emphasizes the importance of repair attempts, gestures, or words that signal a desire for resolution. When approached with empathy and a willingness to understand, anger can be a bridge toward a more profound connection.

Unaddressed anger in a relationship acts as a silent architect, constructing a formidable wall of resentment that can gradually erode the foundation of connection. As psychologist and author John Townsend aptly notes, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” When anger remains unspoken and unresolved, it festers and becomes a toxic force that undermines intimacy. This wall of resentment stifles open communication and hinders the emotional safety essential for a healthy relationship. It becomes imperative for individuals to acknowledge and address their anger constructively, dismantling the barriers that resentment builds and fostering an environment where understanding and compassion can flourish, ultimately restoring the strength and vitality of the relationship.

Anger can catalyze positive change in relationships when harnessed with intention and care. As John Gottman aptly says, “Anger is only destructive in the absence of love and understanding.” By embracing healthy expressions of anger, couples can navigate emotional waters with resilience, fostering a relationship that thrives on open communication and mutual growth.

An Advocate For Your Relationship

A relationship coach like Terry Porter is a guiding light for couples seeking to navigate the turbulent waters of anger and frustration. With expertise in fostering communication and emotional intelligence, Terry Porter empowers couples to learn new skills in addressing and resolving conflicts. Through targeted coaching sessions, couples can gain valuable insights into the root causes of anger, develop effective communication strategies, and acquire tools to manage frustration constructively. Terry’s unique approach combines empathy with practical techniques, providing a roadmap for couples to transform challenges into opportunities for growth and connection. If you’re ready to embark on a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship, take the first step and consider relationship coaching with Terry Porter. Your path to a healthier, more resilient partnership begins with the commitment to positive change.