BLAME
Once upon a time…
…in a small town nestled between rolling hills, lived a couple named Jake and Emily. They had been married for ten years, a decade filled with shared dreams, joys, and challenges. However, as time passed, the harmony in their relationship began to fray, replaced by mounting tension and conflict.
Jake, a hardworking man with big aspirations, often found himself frustrated by the setbacks he faced in life. Every time something went wrong—whether it was a bad day at work, a disagreement with a friend, or a personal failure—he had a habit of blaming Emily. If he missed a promotion, he would accuse her of not being supportive enough. If he lost his keys, it was because she had moved them. His frustration with life turned into criticism of Emily, and each accusatory word chipped away at their bond.
Emily, a gentle and patient woman, initially tried to appease Jake. She would apologize for things that were not her fault, hoping to calm the storm. But over time, the constant blame eroded her spirit. She felt unappreciated and unjustly accused, leading to frequent arguments that left both of them hurt and resentful.
One evening, after a particularly heated argument, Emily felt she had reached her breaking point. “Jake, I can’t do this anymore,” she said, tears streaming down her face. “I love you, but I can’t be the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in your life. We need help.”
Reluctantly, Jake agreed to see a marriage coach. He was skeptical, but the desperation in Emily’s voice made him realize that their marriage was hanging by a thread.
Their first session with the marriage coach, Dr. Mitchell, was tense. Jake sat with his arms crossed, while Emily looked down, avoiding eye contact. Dr. Mitchell welcomed them warmly and invited them to share their perspectives. Emily spoke first, her voice trembling as she described how Jake’s blame affected her.
Jake listened, feeling a pang of guilt. When it was his turn, he admitted his frustrations but insisted that Emily’s actions—or lack thereof—were at the root of his problems. Dr. Mitchell listened patiently, then introduced a concept that would become central to their sessions: ownership.
“Jake,” Dr. Mitchell said gently, “it’s important to understand that your feelings, attitude, and behavior are your own. While Emily’s actions might influence how you feel, ultimately, you have the power to choose your responses.”
The words struck a chord with Jake. It was the first time he had considered that he could control his reactions rather than placing the blame on Emily.
Over the next few weeks, they worked diligently with Dr. Mitchell. Through exercises and discussions, Jake began to see how his habit of blaming Emily stemmed from his own insecurities and fear of failure. He realized that by blaming her, he was avoiding facing his own shortcomings.
Emily, on the other hand, learned to set boundaries and express her feelings more assertively. She stopped apologizing for things she hadn’t done and started standing up for herself, which, surprisingly, helped Jake see her in a new light.
One evening, after a particularly enlightening session, Jake turned to Emily as they walked to their car. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice sincere. “I realize now how unfair I’ve been to you. I was scared to face my own failures, so I took it out on you. But I want to change.”
Emily looked at him, her eyes filled with hope. “I believe you, Jake. And I’m willing to work through this with you.”
Their journey was far from over, but with each step, they grew closer. Jake learned to take ownership of his feelings and actions, and their communication improved. They began to support each other genuinely, celebrating successes and facing challenges as a team.
Years later, as they sat together on their porch, watching the sunset, Jake took Emily’s hand in his. “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?” he said.
Emily smiled, her heart full. “Yes, we have. And I’m proud of us.”
Their marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was stronger and more resilient. Through the guidance of Dr. Mitchell and their commitment to change, they rediscovered the love and respect that had brought them together in the first place, building a future filled with understanding and mutual support.
The Power of Ownership in Relationships
In any relationship, especially marriage, conflicts and misunderstandings are inevitable. How couples handle these conflicts can either strengthen their bond or drive a wedge between them. A crucial aspect of navigating these challenges is the concept of ownership—taking responsibility for one’s feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. This blog explores the role of ownership within a relationship and how marriage coaching can guide couples towards healthier, more fulfilling interactions.
Understanding Ownership in Relationships
Ownership in a relationship means acknowledging that each person is responsible for their own emotions, reactions, and actions. It’s about understanding that while your partner’s behavior might influence you, your responses are ultimately your choice. This concept can be transformative, as it shifts the focus from blaming each other to personal accountability.
Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and author, emphasizes the importance of ownership: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do”. In the context of relationships, owning your story means recognizing your part in conflicts and working towards change, rather than expecting your partner to fix things.
The Role of Marriage Coaching
Marriage coaching provides a structured environment for couples to explore and understand their relationship dynamics. A skilled coach helps identify patterns of blame and deflection, guiding each partner to take ownership of their contributions to the relationship’s issues.
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Identifying Patterns of Behavior
Marriage coaches are trained to spot recurring patterns that couples might not see themselves. For example, one partner might consistently blame the other for their unhappiness. The coach can help illuminate this pattern and explore its roots. As Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, notes, “In a relationship, you can either win or be right, but you can’t do both”. Coaches help couples see that winning in a relationship means working together, not proving who’s right or wrong.
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Encouraging Self-Reflection
A significant part of taking ownership is self-reflection. Marriage coaches use various techniques to encourage this, such as journaling, role-playing, and guided discussions. These exercises help individuals understand their triggers and how their reactions contribute to conflicts. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, “When we own our feelings and express them, we become stronger and more connected”.
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Building Communication Skills
Effective communication is essential for taking ownership. Marriage coaches teach couples how to communicate their needs and feelings without blaming or attacking each other. This involves using “I” statements, active listening, and empathy. By improving communication, couples can express their feelings constructively and take responsibility for their actions.
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Setting Boundaries and Expectations
A marriage coach helps couples establish healthy boundaries and realistic expectations. This ensures that each partner feels respected and understood, reducing the likelihood of blame and resentment. Setting clear boundaries helps each person take responsibility for their well-being, which in turn, supports the relationship.
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Developing Problem-Solving Strategies
Ownership also involves proactive problem-solving. Marriage coaches guide couples in developing strategies to address issues collaboratively. This might include creating action plans, setting goals, and regularly reviewing progress. By working together, couples can overcome challenges and build a stronger partnership.
Take Ownership of Your Marriage
Taking ownership of one’s feelings, attitudes, and behaviors is a powerful step towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Marriage coaching provides the tools and support needed to make this shift. By recognizing and addressing personal contributions to conflicts, couples can transform their relationship dynamics, leading to greater understanding and deeper connection.
As Dr. Brené Brown eloquently puts it, “We can’t selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions”. By taking ownership and facing challenges head-on, couples can experience the full spectrum of emotions, enriching their relationship in the process.
Is your marriage facing challenges?
Do you find yourselves stuck in a cycle of blame and conflict?
Terry & Jen Porter
It’s time to take a proactive step towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Reach out to Coach Terry Porter, a certified professional with the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and start your journey towards a stronger, more connected partnership.
Terry Porter offers expert marriage coaching both in-person at his Traverse City office and online via Zoom, making it convenient for you to get the support you need, no matter where you are. With his compassionate approach and proven strategies, Terry can help you and your partner take ownership of your feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, transforming your relationship from the inside out.
Don’t wait for things to get worse. Take the first step towards healing and growth. Contact Coach Terry Porter today and discover how his personalized coaching can make a difference in your marriage.
Contact Information:
Email: [email protected]
Phone: 231-499-9069
Website: www.terry-porter.com
Rebuild your bond. Rediscover your love. Reach out to Coach Terry Porter now!
References:
Brown, Brené. Rising Strong. Random House, 2015.
Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, 1999.
Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company, 2008.
Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books, 2012.
