The Danger of Trying to “Fix” Your Partner: How to Build Trust and Respect in Your Relationship
A Story of Resentment and Frustration
Tom and Lisa had been married for five years, but lately, their relationship had taken a turn for the worse. Tom, always eager to help, believed he knew what was best for Lisa. He often pointed out what he saw as flaws in her habits, from the way she handled stress to how she managed household tasks. Tom thought he was being constructive, offering solutions to “fix” what he perceived as problems in Lisa’s life.
But Lisa didn’t see it that way. Each piece of unsolicited advice felt like a blow to her self-esteem, as though Tom believed she wasn’t good enough as she was. Over time, Lisa began to resent Tom’s constant need to change her. She felt frustrated and misunderstood, and an emotional wall began to build between them. Meanwhile, Tom, unaware of the damage he was causing, continued with his attempts to “improve” his wife, feeling superior for his efforts. This dynamic led to a growing mistrust between them, with Lisa pulling away and Tom feeling increasingly frustrated by her distance.
How “Fixing” Your Partner Damages Your Relationship
Trying to “fix” your partner can be incredibly damaging to a relationship. When one partner constantly tries to change the other, it creates a dynamic of superiority and inferiority, which erodes trust and mutual respect. As Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, points out, “The greatest gift you can give your partner is to fully accept them as they are, flaws and all.”
This dynamic leads to several harmful outcomes:
- Erosion of Trust: When one partner feels they are constantly being judged or corrected, it undermines trust. They may begin to question whether their partner loves and accepts them for who they are, or if that love is conditional on them changing.
- Emotional Walls: As trust erodes, emotional walls start to build. The partner who feels criticized may become defensive, closed off, or distant, which further damages intimacy and communication.
- Resentment and Frustration: Constant attempts to change someone can lead to deep resentment. The partner being “fixed” may feel as though their opinions, desires, and feelings are not valued or respected, leading to frustration and hurt.
- Feeling of Superiority: The partner doing the “fixing” may develop a sense of superiority, believing they are the only one capable of making the right decisions. This attitude can prevent them from seeing their own flaws and hinder growth within the relationship.
As Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of Boundaries, explains, “Love, in its truest form, is not about changing the other person to fit your ideals but accepting and valuing them as they are.” When love becomes conditional on change, it ceases to be genuine.
Tips to Resolve the Situation and Build a Healthy Relationship
If you find yourself in a similar situation to Tom and Lisa, it’s important to address the issue before more damage is done. Here are a few tips to help resolve the situation and build a stronger, healthier relationship:
Tip 1: Ask Permission to Share Feedback
Before offering feedback or advice, always ask for your partner’s permission. This shows respect for their autonomy and opens the door for more constructive conversations. As Dr. John Townsend, co-author of Boundaries, advises, “Respect is the first step to intimacy. Without it, trust is lost, and relationships suffer.”
Example: Instead of immediately offering advice, Tom could say, “Lisa, I noticed something that might help with your stress. Would you be open to hearing my thoughts?” This gives Lisa the choice to accept or decline the feedback, making her feel respected and valued.
Tip 2: Work with a Certified Marriage Coach
A certified marriage coach, like Terry Porter, can provide guidance and support for couples looking to improve their relationship. Coaching can help identify destructive patterns and teach new communication skills that foster trust and respect.
Benefits of Working with a Coach:
- Objective Perspective: A coach can offer an unbiased perspective, helping both partners see the situation more clearly.
- Skills Development: Coaching can help couples develop essential skills, such as active listening, empathy, and effective communication.
- Accountability: A coach can provide accountability, helping couples stay committed to positive changes in their relationship.
As Dr. Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist and author, states, “Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Without it, couples can’t work through issues or grow together.” A coach can facilitate this communication and help couples navigate their differences constructively.
Tip 3: Set Healthy Boundaries with Each Other
Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. Boundaries help each partner understand what is acceptable and what is not, and they protect the individuality of each person within the relationship.
Tips for Setting Boundaries:
- Communicate Clearly: Discuss your needs and boundaries openly with your partner. Make sure both of you understand and respect each other’s limits.
- Respect Each Other’s Autonomy: Recognize that your partner is an individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Respect their right to make their own decisions.
- Revisit and Adjust: Boundaries may need to change over time as your relationship evolves. Revisit and adjust them as necessary to ensure they continue to meet both partners’ needs.
As Dr. Henry Cloud says, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A lack of boundaries often leads to frustration, resentment, and broken relationships.”
LEARN MORE ABOUT SETTING AND KEEPING BOUNDARIES WITH TERRY PORTER
Terry & Jen Porter
Trying to change or “fix” your partner is a sure way to damage trust, build emotional walls, and create resentment in your relationship. Instead, focus on accepting and valuing your partner for who they are, and work together to build a strong foundation of trust, respect, and healthy communication. By asking for permission before offering feedback, working with a certified marriage coach, and setting clear boundaries, you can create a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship.
If you find yourself struggling in your relationship, consider reaching out to a professional marriage coach like Terry Porter. With years of experience and a deep commitment to helping couples grow, Terry can provide the guidance and support you need to rebuild trust and intimacy in your relationship.
Ready to take the next step toward a healthier relationship? Contact Terry Porter today to schedule a coaching session and start building the relationship you deserve. Visit [Terry-Porter.com] or click [FREE CONSULTATION] to book your appointment now!
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